# 468: BOOK OF THE WEEK — „Alone on the Wall”
Story behind the Book Choice
The story behind choosing this book is so simple: I got into climbing, real outdoors climbing, this spring. And the bug got me. It will not leave me that quickly. It was such an incredible part of my journey. I learned so much about myself. And it showed me so much about who I truly am, long before I was able to fully realize it. I am catching myself watching climbing movies now. And, of course, I had to get a book about extreme climbing, i.e. free soloing. Another intention behind getting the book was also to write a theology paper about climbing and faith.
Not sure if the paper will happen.
But the climbing will.
I will keep climbing…
The thing about climbing is that you cannot do it alone — normally. You need a partner to belay you. Maybe that was the reason why I never got into it before — I like sports I can do myself; without anybody, only with nature surrounding me. The point about Alex Honnold is that he seems to be just the same. But this did not stop him from climbing. To the contrary, it turned him into the “crazy” climber he is today — he started free soloing because he was hesitant to ask other people to accompany him.
Free soloing is the craziest thing I have ever seen. And I am saying this as a person whose second name has become “crazy.” Whenever I meet people who know me, they associate that adjective with me. And new people do so too. But it has taken me all this time to realize that this is who I am. And that I can love myself exactly because I am this way. And that I deserve to be loved because I am this crazy person. But I am not crazy enough to climb walls without any gear, without any rope.
The point is, however, that crazy is such a fuzzy term. Crazy means “normal” people do not understand how someone can do something that they consider crazy. Usually, these things are connected to skills in some way. Only a really awesome climber can actually do free soloing. And the same is true for other “extreme” things, including sports, but not exclusively. When I tell people I am eager to go to some country where there is a war or some other conditions that people find quite shocking, this is also crazy to them. But the point is, you only go there if you feel like this is your thing. You are not doing it to test faith or to fight your anxiety. You just do it because you have to.
This is what is called being yourself…
- Doing what you love
A free soloer like Honnold can die any second on the wall. That is a matter of fact. Well, maybe not during the first minute of your ascent because there is little altitude involved. But even then you can break your neck if you fall in some stupid way and hit a sharp rock. In any case, Alex knows this, of course. And he talks about it in a very down-to-earth way. But he is who he is and the book gives some great insights into the psyche of someone who is able to control his mind just like a monk in meditation. Alex knows about the risk, of course. But he cannot think about it while he is on the wall. The only thing he can do while climbing is completely BE in the climbing. That is what FLOW is all about.
And this line that “he would have died doing what he loved,” if that ever happens, is so touching.
I want people to say that too about my death.
It is completey in our hands to make that happen.
It is every simple.
If we just do what we love every minute of our life.
No matter what other people think about it.
No matter what even we ourselves think about it sometimes.
Life is about feeling who we are and what we have to do.
That gives us the experience of fully being alive.
2. Showing Love
There are also parts about Alex ‘s private life and childhood in the book. Of course, human interest also means that we want to know how someone “this crazy” can have turned out this crazy. In Alex’s case, the parents divorced when he was still young. But his father still played a big role in his emerging climbing “career,” even though that had never been the plan. His father supported him by taking him to the gyms and to competitions, as we learn from the passages above. And the most moving sentence is the one in which Alex explains that this “was his own way of showing love.”
In hindsight, such a finding is touching. When you are in the situation, as a child, it is not. The only thing you might know is that you are lacking something. Maybe you are even able to express that you are missing something called “love,” something that has a name and that can be expressed in words. You might see other parents expressing this love to their children. Or you might see other parents expressing this love to their spouse. But in many cases, you do not even know any of this. You might not even know that you are missing something. But at some point later in life, at least if you are on a journey to truly living who you are, you will find out what this something was that you might have longed for without even knowing it.
Alex dealt with all this by climbing. And that is his thing. And yes, this might also have some therapeutical aspects but if we are really honest to ourselves, these things that we need, that keep us going, emotionally and maybe even physically, are the things that NOURISH us — they make us LIVE. They are our thing. And we can give a fuck about people who judge this. Alex turned to climbing because there really was not anything else on his mind. And that has revaled his biggest gift. And following this passion will bring out the love in you. And it has done so for Alex who has also learned how to love and be loved by partners who understand and love who he is — the man whom they might lose any second in case he makes a bad move.
Parents who let their kids be who they truly are love them, no matter if and how they express it.
We should not judge them for that.
And we should not compare our parents to other parents.
We do not want them to compare us to other kids.
We all just want to be loved.
3. Nomadic life
Making someone say “I love you” is not really possible, at least not if you want “true” love. But I do understand what Alex’s girlfriend describes here. And hearing these words from someone who usually is not that much into words and expressing emotions anyways, is a big deal. What I understand even better when reading these passages is Alex’s doubts about Stacey not being “outdoorsy” enough. And this is usually not just a practical matter, even though this is important as well. If you live in circumstances others would consider a shit hole, then you cannot have someone next to you who keeps complaining all the time or who tries hard to not complain but still suffers because this just is not for her or him.
The more important line here, however, for me personally, is the one about nomadic life. I was hurt by someone in relation to this, even though neither the person nor I knew it at the time. She compared me to someone who lived a nomadic life and she just could not do it. She longed for something else. She wanted to live in her own home. She wanted to have kids — a family. They broke up because of that. She broke up. I knew she loved him. He loved her. But she had to break both of their hearts in that moment. And then, one day, she compared me with him, i.e., she used his name in the same breadth as mine. She said something like: “Well, you are a nomad too, Silke, you will always keep moving on. Of course, you understand him.”
These words were true, even though I did not know it at the time. The most devastating conclusion I drew from that was that “I will never truly be loved by someone if I am like that.” So, I have been trying hard for a long time to not be a nomad. Of course, this sounds really silly but this is what happens if you draw a conclusion that is quite logical but still wrong. The solution to “I want to be loved” is NOT “I have to be someone else.” That is truly fatal. But it happened.
The moment I fully realized the magnitude of my mistake happened only a few days ago.
You cannot miss such a moment of realization — a real epiphany.
You feel more alive than the entire universe in a moment like this.
This is what it must feel like for Alex
When he is “alone on the wall” — egoless bliss.
Reflection Questions
1) If someone said about you: “He/she died while doing what he/she loved — what would this (activity) be in your case?
2) Do you sometimes have the feeling that you cannot express your emotions and instead you replace this speechlessness with other activities?
3) Do you think you could live with a “nomad” like Alex; going from climbing adventure to climbing adventure? Why/not?