# 438: BOOK OF THE WEEK — “Accidental Saints”
Story behind the Passage
If you are thinking about becoming a pastor but at the same time you feel like this is the least likely thing that could ever happen because you are a weirdo, you might start looking for other weirdos in this occupation. And that is how I ended up finding Nadia Bolz-Weber on YouTube. Or maybe someone else recommended her to me — I do not remember. What I know is that watching her speak and reading her books gives me a sense that this phrase “the person makes the position, not the position the person,” which a friend reminded me of yesterday, might have some truth to it.
But I am still not there yet…
I cannot imagine working for the church as an institution with the story I have with institutions. I cannot work in institutions because I always end up telling people there that they are dumb asses who are not valuing and loving the people that work for them. And, after all, in institutions with high moral standards — not even talking about “holy” standards — this double morale is particularly widespread and therefore even more difficult for me to bear. Or am I just being the arrogant and irresponsible asshole who thinks that she can do “good” to people as a solo entrepreneur or artist who runs around like a rebel, proud of her “critical” nature which others always see in her and praise?
The thing is, Nadia Bolz-Weber’s public persona bears many traits of this “rebellious” nature which I also have inside since childhood. But she also makes sure throughout the book that exactly this visible part of her, the many invisible parts underneath the tattoed and joking woman on stage, are not the whole. And despite the fact that this holds true for each and everyone of us, I think this is particularly important to remember for people like me who tend to always project and self-identify with the “raisins” — with the shiny personality traits of someone, even if these are exactly the ones that others usually find offensive.
As a matter of fact, this was the first book I read by Bolz-Weber. And I can definitely say that it offered me a lot to think about. Not that I am not thinking enough anyways... I definitely have too much time to think about too many things. Or maybe I am just taking this time because there is a reason at this stage of my life. Whatever it is that makes me read so much about theology and the pastoral profession, I do not believe in the fact that this is my “calling” (yet). Ever since I started chasing this calling, I moved farther away from it, I feel. Or maybe I am coming closer but I just do not see the wood for the trees. Anyhow, it is encouraging for everyone to read the stories of a pastor who, in her lowest and least hopeful days in life, would probably never have thought about being a pastor either. And exactly in these moments, I guess, people feel the presence of Jesus more than ever. That is because, in these shitty moments, there usually is nobody else left to accompany you through life.
Maybe this finding is the most important driver behind my theological “conversion.”
Maybe that is the only rewarding thing that is left for me to do after having tried mostly all other professional adventures.
But maybe I just continue being an irresponsible asshole who does not grow up and accepts that people just pick a job to make money, go on vacation sometimes, and then die.
Fuck!
I just cannot accept this kind of life, no matter what…
1. God never made sense
This sentence is so remarkable that I feel, I have not truly internalized what it means. It reminds me of this thing in Buddhism called “koan.” Basically, the koan teaches you to get rid of your rational thinking. But it is not that simple. Whatever it is, I can hardly explain it. The point simply is that, by the time you are through with a koan your master gave you, you are also “through” with your nerves — exhausted and at the end of your mental ability. This is when the answer smacks you right in the face — you see the “TRUTH.”
Even though I have never worked on a koan, I had these moments of deep realization. After all, they turned me into a believer. They brought me to the church. And then I wonder again how I can be back at this point where I have no clarity at all, where I am reading all kinds of books about people who will teach me nothing because I know that, in the end, I have to find my own way and I cannot push time. “I need to be patient,” is what I keep telling me. But maybe this is wrong. Maybe this is just what I have internalized because other people always told me or gave me this impression. Maybe I am way too patient with many things. Maybe this patience makes me suffer even more. Maybe I should just tell some people in my life and some institutions to fuck off, no matter how much they might flatter me.
Maybe…
Maybe I just have not given up rational thinking.
Maybe that is all God wants to teach us
That life makes no sense.
You can just try to listen to how God wants to “use” you –
One of the “wrong people”
Who think they do not belong anywhere
Including the church
Those people are the ones who give love to strangers
With unpleasant stories
And truly transformational life experiences.
No matter how I am going to be “used” in the future.
I pray that I will never shut up
And that I will never hide who I am
And that I will never forget our sinful nature.
That is what makes people arrogant
And unloving
And just assholes
We all have these moments
Let us be hopeful that our lives are blessed with pastors like Bolz-Weber
Even if you do not believe in God
They can restore your faith in the power of human caring.
2. Leaders
This thing about leaders seems to be true for many people, at least according to my experience. Many always see in their bosses only the bosses — people who are either nice and kind or bitchy and unfair. But whatever they see in them, they hardly see the human part in them. And on the part of the leaders, this often leads to the fact that they completely separate their true identity from their work life. They do not want to appear “human” because being human also means being weak. And weakness potentially ruins trust. Especially strong women who give a lot for the fact that people trust them and their professional strengths to not want to rapture this self-created image.
This makes some leaders very lonely, I think.
What Bolz-Weber writes about pastors as leaders who are experiencing the same trouble is thought-provoking. Before I started dealing with this question of “what is being a pastor like?,” I never thought of pastors as leaders. But in fact, they are. They are quite autonomous in their work and they lead people — their employees, the parish, everyone who come to see them and seeks help. And that is the trickiest thing, I think. Especially since pastors deal with life and death all the time, supporting people in their darkest moments, they have to appear even stronger than the “average” corporate leader. And that is exactly why they might be fighting even harder to not shatter this image.
With Bolz-Weber, this, of course, is a double sword. On the one hand, she shares all her weaknesses and thus appears like a “tangible” and human leader. On the other hand, however, the strength it requires to do so makes her appear even stronger. I do not think that people tend to be scared of her guts. Still, her strength might lead to the fact that people even see more in her than she really wants to convey. And in the end, the same thing happens — people do not see her as “one of them,” as a weak human being, as someone who is just as needy as the are when they seek her help. Hence, the conclusion she draws in the passage ends up being the same.
As I wrote to someone recently — the only way to get to this point where you are not consciously trying to make this or that impression on your “followers” is by being completely being yourself in every moment. And yes, this is such a shitty phrase that no one can believe in it anymore. But I do — again, after struggling with authenticity for a long time. But what gives me hope is that there is one fruitful way of really living your true self — even if this might change over time — which is offered in the Bible. I do feel it offers unique and individual answers to this question of who we are and thus also what we “should” do in this world. This is the last hope I have after all other ways that led nowhere.
But I am not there yet.
I cannot say that I really allow the Bible to do this with me;
discovering truly new and maybe painful new answers.
Maybe I am just too lazy.
Maybe I am scared.
Maybe I am just a hopeless egoist.
Or someone trying to tell herself the world
that she is always open and willing to change
but inside she is just a conservative and boring couch potato
who only embraces change
if it looks cool
but really leaves the ground pillars of her life untouched.
3. Attracting like-minded people
This thing about “attracting people who are like you” is so true. We all know it. Yet, we do ignore it oftentimes. Whenever we are under pressure to push “growth” (in whichever way, e.g., church membership), we try to come up with all sorts of strategies, analyses, target-group specific communication. Most of this does not work simply because the people who are “like us” will come anyways! The problem which then kicks in is exactly what Bolz-Weber is describing above: You might find out that the people who do come are not the ones you actually “like.” And then it takes a lot more painful learning to realize that the parts you do not like about them are exactly the ones you hate about yourself.
Maybe it is too much to cite almost two full pages from the book above but I hope that Bolz-Weber, if she ever read my thoughts here, would not sue me. In any case, these two pages belong together. A lot can be said about “projection” and seeing things in other people that they do not see themselves or that you want to see in them but are not actually there because you have some weird psychological mechanism going on. All this does not matter, however, if you accept who you are. And if that happens, you can love yourself and the people who come because they love you in their own way.
The thing I am learning these days is that these people can still be very different from you, at least from the outside. But inside, they share with you what is most important — common values and some kind of mindset that is really difficult to put into words. They are just “your kind,” so to speak, even if it takes you a while to realize it yourself. And actually, this is something which the church needs desperately, I think. And, funnily enough, even though I do not see myself as a pastor and I do not think I will ever work there, this kind of “recruitment” would be fun for me, I think.
Based on all my other work and leadership experiences, I have come to learn that I do have a “sales talent.” I love energizing people and I know I can awaken their hidden potential. This might sound arrogant but it is true. I love that — bringing people to new places to explore and grow. I just cannot sell “anything.” I have to really believe in the “product.” And if that product is faith, which is nothing else but hope and love, then I do not have any problems with this. The problem I do have is citing Bible passages by heart and sounding smart about theological theories and authors. I know you need to have read those in order to grow as a theologian. And sometimes you might really be asked to provide this kind of knowledge. Still, I am not there yet. I can “sell” my love, my true interest in people, my energetic spirit. But I just cannot sell the church as an institution at this point.
Maybe Bolz-Weber has that problem too at times.
Maybe the U.S. are just more open for weirdos.
Maybe I just do not see how crazy pastors have a chance in Germany.
In institutions in general
In the church in particular.
This is just my core wound I am dealing with.
Never fitting in because it drives me nuts to see how bad leaders do not lead properly
And how assholes do not care for people they should be caring for.
Does that turn me into an “accidental saint”?
No human being can answer this.
My colleague today, just starting her job as an ordained pastor,
Told me that “if I feel like I want to be a pastor”
I should become one.
And then 30 minutes later someone asked me about my writing business.
And I talked about how much I love writing, also for clients.
And my eyes started shining and everything felt alright.
But also like step backwards somehow…
Can writers be pastors?
Are pastors entrepreneurs?
Answers to these questions are crucial for the “wrong people” like me.
Those who do not have parents who were pastors
And who were baptized in their thirties.
I can just pray for another “accident” in my life to let things fall into place.
And I will keep on reading Nadia Bolz-Weber’s books — no matter what…
“This is why being loved, really loved, can sting a little, reminding us of all the times we have loved poorly or not at all, all the ways in which we have done things that make us feel unworthy of real love.” (Bolz-Weber 126–127)
Reflection Questions
1) Did you ever think about pastors as “leaders” before? Why/not?
2) Do you think that very “rational” people in general have more trouble with religion or can the two go together because even rational people know that rationality also means knowing that some things will never make “sense,” even if you study them forever?
3) If you were a pastor — how would you make going to church and being a Christian (those do not have to go together) attractive to new target groups?