# 250: Projection
Story behind the Passage
Asking questions is what people do who do not pursue any purpose. They ask because they know that the questions will lead somewhere. It only works if you really have no intention of getting anywhere in particular. Neither can you tell where the questions come from. You listen, you observe, you wait for a question to come up from within and then you might raise it — or not. It really depends on the situation. There are also situations when you decide to not ask a certain question if you, for some reason that cannot be explained, decide not to do so. Usually, the reason for this is not that the question in and of itself is “wrong.” Most of the times, it is simply too early to ask it, even though it might appear quite overdue.
I am writing all this about asking questions because it is the “opposite” of throwing “wisdom” at people. Most wisdom is merely knowledge and most knowledge that people voice does not come from any deeper source. Still, people usually decide that this is the thing they need to do in a given moment. And whenever people do that, projection always comes in. I have been hearing this term quite a few times in my reading circles these past weeks. And I really liked how aware people were of the concept. We always project things and thoughts onto people because this is human, we can hardly help it unless we decide to change it.
There are so many opportunities for changing it but you need to be ready, I guess, to actually do so. And you need the tools.
My Learnings
“Wenn wir einen Menschen hassen, so hassen wir in seinem Bild etwas, was in uns selber sitzt. Was nicht in uns selber ist, das regt uns nicht auf.“ / „When we hate a person, we hate something in him/her that is also within us. What is not within ourselves, we do not worry about.” The fact that Schulz von Thun mentions this quote in the section “projection” is a powerful testimony again with respect to the power of literature. I love Hesse. Maybe this is why I picked the passage. Hesse is deep and sad, he is upset and calm, he is what people would probably call: the insane genius that characterizes the stereotypical writer.
This very last sentence is an example of projection. When I write that “other people” might think this or that — I can only do so because this notion, this assumption, is in my own mind. There is no other way to arrive at such a thought. And guess what — all other people can have other thoughts and see other things in Hesse because they have other things within themselves. This is natural. We are humans with stories — we have a past and we think we have a future. And whenever we think about this future, we try hard to make it look beautiful in our imagination. When things happen that disturb the image we have created in our mind, we get upset. Hence, we “hate” what happens because we wanted it to be otherwise.
The same thing happens with people. We want others to be different because we want to be different at times. And we spot exactly the things in others that bother us about ourselves. This is where “projection” comes into full swing. So, the starting point to change this is to actually become aware of this interesting dynamic and to then break the pattern. How you do that? Well, guess what — what might be the opposite of “hating” something? Yes, you start loving it. Now, that is a hard exercise for the beginning but you can start on an easy level by simply welcoming this new insight and appreciating this new side which you have discovered in someone else as something that resides within yourself.
When I say you can start “loving” this thing, it is right and wrong at the same time. Love and hate are very strong emotions. And strong emotions most of the time lead nowhere, unless they come from a place where there is no hatred. Hence, if you simply take note of everything you discover in others and in yourself, you can simply be “happy” about it in the way that you are happy about life if you discover nothing at all. The point behind this is very simple: What does it really matter? Is it really that important if some other person is supposedly nasty? Or if that person is supposedly smarter than you? Or richer? Or happier?
The reason why I love that Schulz von Thun includes these powerful quotes from literature in his books is because literature is a great teacher of communication — the topic that von Thun is famous for. If you allow literature to teach you the multiplicity of human thinking and seeing, it will make you look very small at first. This is the starting point of you realizing how unlimited this universe is. It also makes you realize that communication can be very simple if you just allow your hidden humanity to speak — no intentions, no goals, no judgements.
Do you want to go on this journey?
Reflection Question
1) Is there anything that you see quite often in other people? What could this tell you about yourself? What is your “shadow”?
2) Do you agree that literature can teach us about communication? Why (not)?
3) What is the most powerful question someone asked you in your life? Did/do you have an answer?