# 218: One Mentor
Story behind the Passage
I do not think there has ever been a time in history when people talked more abou career…-everything. There is career orientation, coaching, further education, seminars, workshops, counseling, mediation, retreats — and there is mentoring. Well, I am not saying that any of these make no sense. But I wonder how much people are still focusing on their actual stuff, I mean: their core knowledge and skills. Yes, I know, many career programs have been developed simply because it became clear that knowledge and skills do not suffice for winning a ticket to the golden career path (I am not going into the issue of what “career” can mean for different people). Still, there seems to be hardly any balance left in this polarized world, even when it comes to professional development. People seem to think that having the right “care package” will make up for everything — or at least quite a lot. Forget about going to university, studying hard, working hard, failing often, trying again, freaking out about other dumbheads, being cheated and mobbed — just find the right network, the right coach, the right flow, and there you go…
Arghhhh!!!
I have chosen Marianne Heiss’ book today because I received a message today and it made me think about mentoring and how much it can really mean. In this particular instance, I became aware of the fact that it really boils down to very few people in your life who can “push” your career — or not. It is not about all these many, many people you know and these many “companions” whom you can call at any time to get feedback on something or a recommendation or additional input. All these people are definitely of value, no doubt. And so is your entire network. Yes, yes, yes, there are indeed many people who help but the really important ones, I would even say maybe only the ONE mentor of yours, this is the person that counts.
The funny thing is, this might not even be the person you think of as your most important mentor at first. Sometimes this person might have been around in your career environment for quite a long time without always doing much for you or even talking to you that often. But then, at some point — a crucial turning point on your path — this person sort of lifts the cover and becomes active on your behalf. I do not dare say who initiates these crucial moves. For sure, since I believe in self-efficacy and the law of cause and effect, it is you sending some signal to the world with your actions. But in most cases, since most of us are working on some goal for quite a while, your own initiative is not exactly special in a particular moment. Still, this person, your mentor, somehow takes up the energy and then guides your more closely.
This is a gift.
Learnings
“Da nur wenige Frauen im Top-Management Verbündete haben, hilft es oftmals, von der Mentorin ganz einfach zu hören: >> Ich hab‘ das damals auch hingekriegt. Halt‘ durch.<< / “Because only very few women have allies in top management, it often helps to simply hear from your woman mentor: >> I also managed to do this — hang in there. << This line jumped at me when I opened the passages on mentoring in Heiss’ book today. She gives a comprehensive overview of the different support measures that help women on their way to the top and she blends this information with her personal learnings in a way that is not overdoing it but still shedding light on her standpoint and reflection.
In this particular case, however, the passage struck me because the e-mail I received from my mentor today did not explicitly include such a “keep your head up, you can do it” message. But it still conveyed this implicitly in an even more powerful way which truly differentiates mentoring from coaching and all these other formats. Your mentor ACTS on your behalf. Yes, helping you with motivating words might also be included but from my perspective, the action is even more powerful for conveying the same message. Someone taking the time to really look at your stuff or some material at the basis of an important decision you have to make which is truly important and special in spite of all the important decisions you have already made in your career and life — this gesture, someone investing his/her lifetime in the issues you are struggling with, is powerful and raises true gratitude in me.
When I just wrote “his/her” above, I had to think of the way in which Heiss talks about a female mentor in this case. Yes, nowadays, everything is about “gendering” correctly. But she is stressing the importance of women mentors for a reason here. Of course, this message of “I did it and so can you” is more powerful because women can identify with women and women’s achievements more easily or naturally. Still, I want to add that for me, the fact of having a mentor at all is more important than having a woman mentor. I know, there will always be moments when the experience of the different genders is so different — perceived differently — that there is a risk that a man cannot help the woman or vice versa. Nevertheless, if I look back, in my case, the decisive breakthroughs came through men who motivated me. Of course, motivation alone is yet a different cup of coffee. Maybe most of them were not mentors in the sense that I am describing the term here. Still, they were crucially important — also as role models.
I know, or at least I think I remember, that Heiss also talks about the importance of men as mentors in her career in the book. Or maybe she mentioned this in a different context. I do not know. I just know that she herself functions as someone who encourages women to pursue their goals against all odds — in her book and in her career. It is therefore always funny to see how up to date books like hers still are, despite the time that keeps passing and women still facing these same, if not even worse, challenges, especially in large corporates. But I am against busting your head into the sand, and this is also not what Heiss preaches. Again, when looking at the behavior of a mentor, one can learn this as well. A mentor who would simply hold on to preaching some vague motivation phrases without actively pursuing his/her goals as well, would not be walking the talk and therefore not be a credible mentor.
When speaking of the “goals” of mentors, I have to add one thing that I am missing a bit in some people who do hold the ‘right’ positions and the right sphere of influence for acting as mentors but somehow never even consider the idea. For me, I am totally fine with the fact that some people in some positions have it on their “agenda” to promote younger people and push them at times. You might argue now that this is an ego thing or simply a matter of money or prestige. Like the guru of a sect who wants to stand in the lime light because of all the “disciples” he/she has produced. But if you take the guru image seriously, you also understand that there is something about pursuing such a goal of supporting others while still not doing it for some selfish reasons.
Maybe this sounds a bit old-fashioned or even romantic again, but I truly believe in mentoring as a legacy of the middle ages. Sometimes I also miss the formality of the old days when people did not always use first names, wore jeans and sneakers to work and covered their Macbooks with stickers everywhere. What I am saying: a mentor does not have to be, should not even be, my buddy. There needs to be a certain distance, just the right distance that allows you to look up to someone while still not being afraid or intimidated, while knowing deep inside that you can do it, that you can get there, by working hard and trusting in the words of your mentor. This does not mean you have to adore your mentor like a rock star on stage. No, I am just talking about this nice professional distance and etiquette. And then, if you have this kind of relationship, it really makes a huge difference if this person, all of a sudden, in small and gentle gestures acknowledges your pain and your struggling but at the same time reminds you that YES, YOU CAN do it.
Reflection Questions
1) If you were to mentor someone — what could you give him/her?
2) How do you think about the current trend of being highly “informal” and “easy-going” as a leadership role model? How much is too much?
3) Do you share the observation that having a mentor of the same sex is more fruitful? Why/not?