# 154: Mentors and Egos
Story behind the Passage
There are some lessons in life that you have to learn the hard way. Well, practically all real lessons are learned that way, I guess. I actually learned the lesson that I am going to talk about today a few weeks ago. But today, I really realized the full magnitude. I am happy it is not too late. It is never too late to learn a lesson, actually. Still, whenever this happens you often end up with this self-blame. Not everybody does, I guess, but I do. It is this inner voice that says: “How could I be that stupid?”
What I am talking about is very simple. I had a mentor for quite a long time but retrospectively, he was not a mentor. He could have been but he was not for me. I think, he did not actually see himself as a mentor either. But I did because I wanted to. That was a mistake. It had devastating effects on my business up to the point where I started offering stuff I did not actually want to sell. I mean, I did not sell it from the heart. Only if you sell stuff from the heart, it will really take off. I did that — before. But then I changed, because he talked me out of it. At the end, I cut the cord. It was high time.
When I mentioned this story to someone today who is a real mentor for others, it just took three sentences of the story and then she said: “Well, I hear a lot of ego in this. He told you what he wants —he did not listen to what you want.” Bang! There it was: the ego word. But she hit the nail right on the head. The point is: I know she is right. The only reason why I had not seen this all the time is because my ego was in the way. I attracted a big ego with my own longing for a big ego. That set off the devastating spiral of dependency that makes you “ask your mentor” before making any decision and then he sucks all the energy out of you.
My Learnings
“A mentor is a person who is able to build a relationship with a protégée with the intention to help discover the talents that he/she possesses, and also provide opportunities for the protégée to develop his/her skills.” To make it short: We never really had a relationship, I think. Not in the way that is described here. I wanted this to be a relationship and then I started imaginining there was one. But if I am honest, it was not there. And the sentence also explains why. He never had the intention to “help discover” my talents. He simply wanted me to copy his talents. That is a crucial difference.
I hate that I am sounding so negative today but everything I am writing above happened this way. Still, the fact that he wanted me to learn what he considers “strengths” did have some positive effect. Since he was a 100% business man, I did learn some business skills from him. The point is, even then, you cannot simply copy them. The way he does business is not my way. The stupid thing is that you start believing you have to adopt these skills 1:1 because there is a reason why you wanted him to be your mentor in the first place, right? That reason is that he is/was immensely successful — a business “hero,” as the passage states. So, you start thinking there is one way of doing it if this was the way that made him so successful. But it is not right. There is never only one way of doing anything. I know this and I always mentor others this way. But in my own case, I failed to realize that something was wrong.
“A mentor is not necessarily a leader because all leaders do not produce protégées.” This is he thing that got me. That was the key. My “mentor” had been a leader and an outstanding expert. But I have no idea if he ever had any protégées back then during his active time in office. I am assuming he did not. Even if he did — they must have been very different characters compared to me. I am not judging, I am just saying different. And maybe he never mentored anybody, really, I do not know. The fact that he was a leaders in his industry does not automatically mean that he helped others. For sure, he helped clients with the products he built and these clients paid him, i.e., hist company. But there is a huge difference between helping clients with products and helping younger people with mentoring.
To repeat: He never offered mentoring explicitly and I kind of enforced this relationship which really never became one of the kind described above. And I was also the one who ended it. It has taken many weeks now of realizing all this. It has cost me months of business that I lost because of the thoughts and decisions our conversations triggered. But you know what? I am happy it happened this way. Everything in life is meant to happen to make you learn. I have learned a lot from the experience and I will do everything to not repeat it. And by “repeat,” I mean both roles. I will select my mentors very carefully in the future and I will try everything in my power to never ever let my ego get in the way when mentoring others.
That takes me back to the real learning: ego. Buddha was right and I am happy that I, despite all the ‘wrong’ mentoring, I have not given up my meditation practice.
“True freedom means freeing oneself from the dictates of the ego and its accompanying emotions.” (Matthieu Ricard)
Reflection Questions
1) Did you ever have a bad experience with a mentor?
2) Do you know any great mentors who have never been outstanding leaders?
3) How do you think about the topic of “ego”?